I started on a journey 3 years ago, but even as I write this while sitting here now, I know the journey began eons of years ago. I often forget that I am a soul traveler and get so caught up in the physicality of this planet that I am lost in the illusions of my thoughts and the Maya that constantly surrounds me. So often these past few months, years, I have felt lost as though the small “i”, the small me, does not know what the next step is and I am fumbling in my darkness.
The darkness which in fact represents all of my deepest fears, my crippling self doubt, my uncertainty as to whether things will really work out, my absolute lack of faith in myself and even in the Divine at times, my total insecurity about being good enough, my low self-esteem which keeps me small in the darkness.
As I read this it amazes me that I can still feel all these lower energy feelings, when I am such a Warrior of the Light, the eternal truth seeker. Where there is this part inside of me that knows without a shadow of doubt that only LOVE is real. Yet I can still sit here today, on many days, and I am paralysed by this darkness which feels so real to me. So I start to question these thoughts that I am attaching myself to and I ask myself, “What is keeping the Light inside of me at bay?” “What are these thought that I am thinking that keeps me so afraid?” I then give myself a moment to sit and feel this painful darkness and I wait for the answer to come from within my heart. When my mind starts to push against this I stop the thoughts and I go back to what I am feeling and I allow the fearful thoughts to find their way into the light of my consciousness.
I then watch what my thoughts are saying to me:
My heart feels so small – I feel like a child again. Wanting to ask the adults (mother/father) in my life to please hold my hand and help me through this difficult time where the world feels strange and scary and dark again. I want to feel supported and encouraged and told that I am good enough and that they’ll be there if anything goes wrong and I need help. I want to be encouraged to feel like everything I am doing is right and it’s all going to be alright. That the actions I am taking are all about gathering and learning how to move forward – both within myself and outwardly. I want to know what the next step is.”
I feel like I am in that place of not-knowing, no-man’s land, the gap, nothingness. I am in this place where all is still yet to be revealed, from where all divine creativity is yet to be born and at the same time the place where all my darkest fears and insecurities are coming up from the wounded-ness within me. As I am writing I have a sense that as these wounds rise to the surface, if I just observe the pain they bring as well as insights, and then simply allow them to move through me and float away, by this simple action, I will allow the Light back in.
I feel as though I am holding on to all these old familiar wounds like old relationships I have not let go, and all the pains and fear are sitting like scum on the surface of a lake, keeping the sunlight from entering into the clear waters beneath, keeping me from moving into the Light, the light of my heart where all the answers exist, where Love is.
When I was writing earlier about my parents holding my hand, the emotions in that moment were so real I was actual a little girl again. I remember that support was all I ever wanted from the adults in my life, to allay my fears and guide me as I tried to find my way in this world. Like most of us, I did not get that, I understand now that my parents did the best they could for me, with the tools they had. Yet I am still carrying some of that pain with me, and in this moment, right now in my life, I choose a different action, I choose to allow myself to observe these fearful thoughts and not be a victim to them, I acknowledge that they are only as real and as powerful as I let them be. So I choose to let them go, to float from my consciousness away into the perfect Light where they are dissolved for all eternity in Loving Light. I allow the Light into my heart, and I feel the clear water bring healing to those parts of me that are filled with darkness and are now washed clean. As I feel these wounds being healed from the darkness, they start to shine with light, first individually and then the light starts to join together and become a beam, radiating from my heart and my heart begins to feel more whole as my heart starts to shine its way back to The Light, back to Love, back to God.
As I sit here now and feel how I am feeling, I am different. There is a lightness of being within me and my heart feels less fragmented and more connected – more whole. I feel like I am finding my way back to Myself, to my own Light, to Divine Light. I can actually feel my heart begin to beat quite rapidly in my chest, as though there is something wonderful to be anticipated and I feel the darkness shift.
I allow the Light in, I allow the Light in, I allow the Light in.