For me heaven on earth means being of service from my heart with something I am passionate about which is assisting people to move from their darkness into clarity, to live their best life, by loving yourself.   Secondly finding the right spiritual path that sustains me from within and most importantly, open my loving heart to love myself and then love and be loved with all of my soul!!  The first step begins with me simply LOVING MYSELF.  Sounds so simple, a statement so overused that I believe we have lost the power of these two words Love Yourself.

My intention to share briefly in this blog, what I have experienced with others is the hope that in sharing my story I offer peace/insight/ to another that you are not alone, you can have the life you have imagined and you have all the tools that are uniquely yours to make it happen, just believe that as bad as it may have gotten it can also be as great as you can imagine.



I spent most of my life waiting to find this beautiful big love – for 24 years to be exact.  A limiting belief that became the very painful foundation of all my relationships believing that this love, this person was going to change everything, most especially me…and I did find this love and it was beyond anything I ever could have imagined it to be and it did change everything – most especially me. That is a tale for another time – it is not a love story but it is a story about be told later..

But it never turned out the way I had hoped and to cut a long story short, for 3 painful years of deep grief of the loss of this love and almost of my own self as I lost my faith in God (The Universe, The One Spirit, Love), I finally made a decision to be happy again.  So many incredible insights came about after I had made this conscious choice.  But please note that for me to come to this decision was an intensely painful spiritual growth process and took immense courage and deep faith to hold on to the belief that this is happening to teach me something and all of this is not for nothing.  I could not have come to this decision if I did not believe somewhere in my heart, that I wanted and deserved to be happy and could be.  The shift forward began when I started to direct the search for Love inward, to loving myself.

You are Seeking You

I begun to feel from somewhere within that I did not want to live with this emptiness anymore, this darkness that sucked me in so deep within myself I was drowning in no air where there was no life, no light, no God.  I had lost my faith and I in turn was lost within myself.
I did not want to live like this anymore, there had to be more for me in this life, what was I not seeing where was I stuck within my thinking?? I started by surrendering my attachment to the way I believed things should have worked out. I was too tired fighting my reality and not accepting this loss. I just wanted to let go, it felt like giving up, but I also felt a lightness of being that I had not felt in so long – but the flicker of light was there, maybe just for a millisecond but I sensed it. I let go deeply and sincerely.

I let go and I also stopped praying to God/The Universe and literally begging, “God help me, help me help me I do not understand why, why this did not work out for me. Show me where I went wrong, help me let go of the thought that my life should be with this person – that my life should be different. Please dear God help me to be happy again, help me to help ME.” I said this pray begging for help for 3 years – and in those 3 years I just continued and continued to struggle and hold on to this belief and thought that this was not supposed to be my life.
Once I stopped struggling with God/the Universe, only when I truly finally let go in a moment of genuine surrender did I finally found the peace I was praying for. I could not find this while believing my life was” wrong”, trying to control my reality.
I realised the incredible truth that felt like it did set me free – that I had not made one mistake my entire life – how powerful and empowering is that!! I could see in that moment the perfection of the intricate tapestry of choices that was and is my life, that in fact lead to me this moment. I saw that everything is always exactly as it is meant to be. Every choice good or not so good will always take me to the next step of my journey. No matter how I may go kicking and screaming and sometimes digging my heels in, every choice I make is not right or wrong it is always where I am meant to be in that moment of consciousness and time. How I choose to deal with what is happening within and without by either fighting or working with God, will also determine whether I am learning painfully or with inner clarity and more flow.


I came to, what for me was a monumental transformation and shift forward on my personal journey of loving myself, the divine realisation that I was never looking for someone or that BIG love out there; I was looking and longing for connection with my Self, the Self that I experienced when I was in that beautiful love. In that love I felt as though I was experiencing life through the heart and mind of God. I felt as though I WAS the heart and mind of God. This divinity, this reverence I felt for ALL life changed me forever in ways I am still revealing to my Self today. I am still brought to tears with the overwhelming joy I can still feel when remembering this state of soulful LOVE I was in – the biggest love in the universe. . The LOVE that is the centre of all creation, THE truth of all creation – the LOVE that is our essential self. Literally and figuratively I was truly and deeply IN LOVE. In love with the Gillian I became in the presence of this man. I saw my higher self, I experienced my loving self, and I was beautiful for the first time in my life. I felt the radiance from within; I connected to the Divine Grace that is God that is Love.
Kahlil Gibran said it so aptly, “To know the pain of too much tenderness” The Love of who I truly am is beautiful so tender in gentle strength that I ache from it’s grace. I missed the connection with the divine in me that I experienced while I was in this state of grace with another and it was through another that I recognised and touched Love, the truth of who I AM.

The love I was seeking was Myself, a love lost and Love found